TheraFlu, Taste the Music

At least three times a year I find myself battling the common cold. And hell if I going to waste a sick day at home. My M.O. is usually a preemptive strike against influenza with obscene amounts of orange juice and jewish penicillin. When the light ammunition doesn't serve enough of a defense I have to call in the howitzer, TheraFlu.

Through my high school and college years I was never tempted to do drugs. Even though marijuana, cocaine, and shrooms were all within my social grasp I was always satisfied with a can of beer. Plus the pricing schemes for recreational use were ridiculous. I was not about to waste my beer money on drugs. Little did I know that in a far off land called New Jersey, mad scientists at Novartis were creating my achilles heel of addiction called TheraFlu. I was able to eschew readily available addictions in my pixilated days of college but regrettably find myself looking forward to taking a swig of TheraFlu when my throat becomes sore.

When the flu hits I'm groggy, grumpy, and it always seems to hit right before the work week. A good night's sleep is just what the doctor ordered. In this case I have two doctors; one named Acetaminophen and the other named Dextromethorphan, both in the form of a powder. When you've known them as long as I have, you just call them Ace and Dex. At this point you might be concerned. Trust me, it's just a quick fix to battle the flu, and so much more.

The big payoff is uninterrupted sleep piggybacked by entertaining dreams. My usual routine is to take a full dose at 8pm and wait to become comfortably numb. By 9pm it's flowing through my veins and my head hits the pillow knowing that dreams and a healthier tomorrow await. I eagerly progress into my deep slumber with a smirk on my face.

With TheraFlu, my hallucinogenic zzz's have been officially injected with anabolic steroids. Time to dream. Time to leave it all behind. Time to have sex with my ex-girlfriend while hang-gliding over Tahiti. Time to fly with a great white and swim with a hawk. That's right, bizzaro dreams that seem to make complete sense while they are happening. I'm not even breaking the law, just an OTC prescription to get rid of those nasty body aches and fever. Time for an absinthe nippy-nap before I have to wake up to the sobering reality that is my 9 to 5 life.