25 Things You Don't Need To Know

Rules:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I hate the T.G.I.Fridays menu. Enough with the Jack Daniels sauce.

2. The majority of presentations I’ve seen, suck.

3. I believe people lead far more interesting lives outside of work. But I don’t really give a shit.

4. I remember being fresh out of college in 1992 and a friend told me about a company called AOL. They were hiring at the time. I thought to myself, “AOL? What the f*ck is that?”

5. I’m amazed at how two people can make the same amount of money in the same type of position yet one is socially retarded and the other is a class act.

6. I have taken a ton of business trips, I would label maybe two of them as actually being, “fun”.

7. I believe individuals who give credit to others go much further in Corporate America than the hyenas that hijack their team’s accomplishments.

8. I have found out that if you think someone is full of shit, most likely everyone else thinks the same thing.

9. I have freakish metabolism.

10. I like working during the holidays. Nothing beats a quiet office. Or beating off in a quiet office.

11. I am the most ineffective employee when working from home. The refrigerator has been put to memory by 10am. A good example of a bad example.

12. I like having SAS programming skills instead of soft skills. You can either do it or you can’t. There’s no hiding.

13. I’ve always wanted to be named Joshua Rainwood.

14. I believe confidence mistakenly trumps intelligence too much. And there are a lot of overconfident people out there.

15. I refuse to touch food left in the pantry with a post-it note labeled, “Help Yourself”.

16. I want to leave food in the pantry with a post-it note label, “Keep your f*cking hands off this.”

17. I have a Bengal Tiger affectionately known as, "Bitey".

18. I believe nothing beats the taste of an ice cold Coca-Cola from a vending machine. Even when mistakenly priced for the year 2046 with inflation.

19. I think the position of CEO is easy to vilify. The inconvenient truth is that most of them are extremely smart and have worked their asses off ascending to that position.

20. I have found out that an awful day/week/qtr/year for a company is a great day for the press.

21. I think it would be funny to write a movie where a guy is stuck in Corporate America and hatches a plan to rip off the company. Call it something like, "Office Space". That would be some funny shit.

22. The best bosses I have had are women, not men.

23. I actually left the building for lunch at 10:30AM one morning to go to Wendy’s and have a Baconator.

24. Based on the extensive algorithms on the back of my Wendy's napkin, I have calculated that 99.9% of employees a) do not show up to meetings on time and b) are not prepared for the meetings they show up for.

25. Please stop talking about your kids, please.

About Corporate Joe

Corporate Joe is one of the five original people who was born, raised, and still lives in the Northern Virginia area. After completing college at the only school that would accept him, he decided to venture over 15 miles from where he grew up to start a career. Armed with a Bachelors Degree in something "ology", he used his well connected network called "The Five" to land a job as a secretary. Through rigorous hands-on training and knowledge gained from his B.S. degree, he learned to copy, collate, staple, and fax.

By using more advanced tools such as the mouse and printer, Corporate Joe ascended the ranks of Corporate America. To further rocket his career, he embellished his resume and endlessly harrased superiors who eventually promoted him to avoid further contact. With a great wardrobe and a natural ability to bullshit about topics in which he lacked any credibility, Corporate Joe knew it was time to make the career move to consulting. Plus he was broke from liquidating his 401K and investing it in Kozmo.com.

Corporate Joe's tipping point for becoming a consultant whore.

He hit full stride in the world of consulting. Through constant use of the word "robust" combined with perfectly executed head-nodding, he was handed the indispensable position of Project Manager.

Systems Integration, Business Process Improvement, Customer Relationship Management; you name it, Corporate Joe doesn't know about it. But that never stopped him or the endless army of consultants with similar outfits to be self-proclaimed subject matter experts in the area they happen to be working in.

View from Corporate Joe's cubicle....into another cubicle.

Despite all his successes, there was an unfulfilled need for Corporate Joe to express his slice of life experiences from Corporate America. He needed to have a creative artistic release that didn't involve porn so he did the next best thing...he joined an elite group known as "bloggers".

Thanks! Now take your shirt off.

Corporate Joe's stories do not involve watercooler talk in the office. They are geared more towards the watercooler itself. He writes of his personal experience in cubicle land; fax machines, office etiquette, underground parking lots, bonus structures, etc. Everything that millions of corporate clones despise but only a few hundred thousand have dared to write about.

So make Corporate Joe a part of your weekly routine. Take a few minutes from work, read a story, and spend some time on the company dime. Comments are both welcomed and encouraged.

Corporate Joe lives in Oakton, VA with his Bengal Tiger, Bitey. He can be contacted at cubicle.land@gmail.com. If you prefer to know more about Corporate Joe before stalking him, please use this link.