Conference Room Forecast: Cold with a Chance of Hot

Temperatures begin in a deep freeze. It is cold enough to trigger hypothermia in a thick blooded Eskimo. Without notice, degrees will skyrocket to the point of dehydrating a camel. Welcome to the most uninhabitable area on earth, welcome to our conference room.


Could I trouble you for a cup of hot cocoa from the pantry?

The extreme variation in temperature involves two variables. In nature, these variables would be meteorologically based and somewhat intuitive to the novice weatherman. An advancing mass of cold air in a low pressure system or an advancing mass of warm air in a high pressure system. In our conference room, the variables in constant battle are an Epson projector and an air conditioning unit. Cold as shit with a 100% chance of hot.


Heading in now for the 3 o'clock status meeting.

The projector is a must have. It is fixed to the ceiling and has been used for countless presentations. The hookup is easy and the picture is clear. What is unique about our projector is that it projects not only images, but also the heat of a thousand suns. In a bind, the Epson aka "Bernie" could double as a heating unit for a small townhouse. The ceiling location maximizes available countertop space. It also keeps clients from receiving third degree burns and unwanted visits to the emergency room. Due to the relentless heat, the commercial real estate manager received numerous complaints about life on Mercury. She responded with building engineers to fix the problem. The answer: a portable air conditioning unit.

Much thought was given to the AC hookup. The engineers vigorously reviewed the building blueprint and entertained all options. They promptly threw out all the options, gutted a corner ceiling tile, and connected the portable unit to flexible aluminum ducting that is force fed to the ceiling. This shiny, NASA-esque product now juts out like a spacesuit for a giant penis. No matter where you sit, it is always within peripheral vision. Rocking to the beat of the air flowing through it. Inconspicuous.

Okay, so the portable unit is somewhat noticeable. But it does the job well. In fact, too well. I am convinced the duct feeds directly to Yakutsk, Russia. Air is pumping out hard, check. Air is cold, check. Temperature more appropriate for an Arctic Musk Ox, check. This is where it gets interesting. Not only are there two weather patterns in a room the size of a suburban kitchen, there is also the noise.

I'm sorry, can you repeat that? There is some background noise.

The projector makes a high-pitched tinny sound. If our company ever introduced a "bring your dog to work day", all the canines would howl their way out of the conference room and directly into their respective owners' car. The AC unit is the opposite. A low, consistent, guttural sound, Robert Mitchum serenading on a megaphone. Battling both weather and sound while giving a presentation is a challenge. A presenter can even the odds by moving throughout the room and commanding the floor. Too hot, move towards the door. Too cold, move towards the back of the room. All the while, adjusting the volume of one's voice to the appropriate level for attendees depending on positioning in the room. For the attendees, it is more difficult when stationary.

Stay cool Corporate Joe. I know you can hear me.

Choosing a place at the table is important. The worst seat in the house is smack dab in the middle. Counter-intuitive. In the middle is where a person would want to sit. Best of both worlds. Blasting the AC with the top down on a hot, sunny day. Nice image. Except in this case, it is the extreme of both worlds. Smelling burning flesh on one side of the body while battling frost bite on the other. But hell, I was late to the meeting. I deserve this seat. Then it hits me, this can be the same location for the exit interviews next week. A great way to accelerate a painful process. There is always a silver lining. Even in this uninhabitable place.