Gift Getting

FADE IN:

A father and son gather around his birthday presents. The father beams with pride as his son carefully chooses the first gift. The son's eyes lock in like radar on the largest box of the bunch.

SON

Dad, can you help me open it up?

FATHER

Sure thing.

They work together in perfect synchronicity tearing the paper with purpose. They pull back in awe of what was found.

SON

Cool!

FATHER

Let me help you open the box.

SON

Oh, man, a Power Ranger. Awesome!

FATHER

Let me pull this out of the plastic.

Hold on, there are some wires to untangle.

SON

Hurry, hurry!

FATHER

I'm trying, hold on. There are some fasteners in the back.

Man, they are not playing around here.

FATHER

Voila!

FATHER

For Christ's sake, there are more fasteners!?

SON

Mommy says that's a bad word.

FATHER

You're right son, that'll be our little secret. 

Let me get these off.

FATHER

Are you shitting me? 

These are wrapped around the axle!

SON

Mommy says that's a bad word too.

FATHER

No one likes a tattle-tale. So just zip it.

Let me get this wire out of the axle.

FATHER

Rubber bands? Rubber f*cking bands!

SON

Mommy...

FATHER

I know what Mommy says. Do you see Mommy around? No.

I just see you and me. So why don't you just

sit criss-cross applesauce and shut your trap.

The Father struggles impatiently with the tangled web of rubber bands and wires. His grunts morph into a loud roar. His son scootches back on the linoleum in fear.

SON

Dad, you're turning green.

The Father's pants begin to rip at the seams as he continues to struggle with the imprisoned present.

FATHER

Let me get this out. AHHHHHHHHHH!

SON

Daddy, No!

FATHER

Run, son. Before it's too late. 

This is between me and the present. 

RUNNNNNNNNNN!

FADE TO BLACK

Washingtonianidiot

This is a big week for the most powerful city on the planet. People are excitedly waiting for the eyes of the world to descend on the inauguration ceremony. It makes me proud to live in the shadow of Washington, DC. The history, the museums, and the fluctuating murder rate all feel like home to me. Especially when I’m driving on the parkway along that river where the airport is with the monument that looks like a pencil.

O.K., let’s face it, what I don’t know about DC could fill up DC itself.

Hey, there's that thing-a-ma-bob I was talking about!

I am from Northern Virginia, lived here all my life. People ask me where I’m from and I immediately answer, “Outside of DC” because chances are that more people have heard of “Outside of DC” than “Oakton”. Then the conversation naturally spins into politics, museums, or the Mystics. And as quickly as the conversation starts, it ends. The sad reality is that I don’t know squat about the city right next door. All these years and I am rarely tempted to head “downtown”.

The ones who take full advantage of what the city has to offer are not from this area. It’s a transient town based on the politics. The one thing that will not change about DC is how it is guaranteed to change at least every four years. Right now, there are so many people packing up boxes to move here based on the new administration. These are the same people who will be able to school me on DC knowledge inside of the first five months of their stay. It should upset me. I should be humiliated. The sad part is, I’m not.

There’s no reason for a local to visit DC if you don’t work or live there. Yes, the museums rock; Air & Space, Natural Gallery of Art, Spy Museum, etc. But that’s about it. The city is humming 9 to 5 on a weekday. But the weekends? Forget it. It looks like Times Square in “Vanilla Sky”. Hell, the Washington Redskins aren’t even located downtown.

Let's party! Hello? I said, let's party!

Don’t be angry with me for my ignorance. There are thousands of others just like me who will be comfortably nestled in the suburbs watching the inauguration on TV. Seeing one of the biggest events on the grandest stage on a flat screen.

I need to ride this new wave of hope that is flooding the city and get my ass downtown. If change is going to happen, it has to come from within. I’m looking at the man in the mirror. But for now, I need to get to a non-looted Circuit City store and buy a flat screen.