Truth Serum Font

It has to be frustrating to be a leader. To motivate and inspire employees who, at most times, are frustrated and uninspired themselves. Waiting to go home. Waiting for a paycheck. Waiting to die. Reading a satirical blog with limited hits. I always wondered what the inner-monologue would sound like between constructing a memo in an executive’s mind and actually typing it as an email. Forfeiting harsh criticism in favor of a diplomatic manner takes a daunting amount of self restraint. There is a chasm as wide as the Grand Canyon between what the top of the food chain wants to write and how it should be written. How would it read if the gap could be closed with executive level truth serum font? Well, let's take a look.

I love writing a good letter to my bank employees.

To Whom It Doesn’t Matter,
We constantly engage with our workforce for new ideas. This includes you. It is only through the thousands of unsolicited emails, hundreds of times being accosted in the hallways and one-on-one exit interviews across this great country that we have been able to realize how much you incessantly complain. I wanted to use this opportunity to share the collective feedback received from our bitch and moan portal (i.e., my inbox.)

You gave us spirited responses in high numbers with great insight. Thank you! This will help us learn who we should get rid of. The items below were the most prominent suggestions. We prioritized this feedback and wanted to share it with you along with our thoughts.

• An on-site gym at our corporate headquarters - We heard from you loud and clear on this one. I think Mike D. stated it best when he whines, “I need a shot of creativity at lunchtime and a corporate gym could be a great place to reenergize my body and brain cells for the afternoon grind.” That’s a great idea, Mike! Let’s magically find a non-existent 2,000 square foot space in our building so you and all the other entitled millennials can get the creative juices flowing. Maybe we can also hire personal on-site chefs to feed you on the elliptical. You know what else reenergizes? 5-hour energy. It’s less than three dollars a pop. Swig that down after your spinach salad with flax seed and shut the fuck up. You work in the Accounting Department, Mike. You need creativity as much as a musician needs to know the meaning of EBITA. Instead of working out, let’s just focus on getting actual work done at this point. Based on the last performance review, you are lucky to even have a job.

This gym is going to be awesome.

• Bring casual Fridays back! - Another great piece of feedback which has nothing to do with profitability, competing in the market space, or identifying our core customer base. Paula R. bitched about it best, “Casual Fridays are a freebie and a great recruiting tool for new hires.” Could not agree more. It is a great recruiting tool if you want to single out people who have an affinity for denim and bad fashion. Last time I remember, Casual Fridays slowly crept into other days of the week. Hoochie-Mama Thursdays. Don’t give a shit Tuesdays. Fuck-it Mondays. Provide the workforce an inch and they take a mile. If I hear this request one more time I am enforcing Winged Tip Wednesdays and Double Starched Fridays. Have your Mommy adjust your Double Windsor knot in the morning and get to work.

Is it Thursday yet?

• Implement a Project Management Database – Something work related, a Christmas miracle. Thank you Dave H. for being the only one to introduce a relevant business item. He writes, “I have been diligently constructing a management database to capture costs of each geo-coded project, the purpose of the project, number of employees involved, and market area. This will help identify gaps and overlaps in each sector of our business as well as tap into future opportunities.” Wow, impressive. Funny thing though, I don’t remember asking for this--you know why? Because it is already being implemented. Tag that as an “overlap” in your stupid, obsolete database. Here’s an idea for when you have an idea, share it with others first. Now you have wasted time on the company dime. Good news is you get out early today to pick up your kids from school. Bad news is, you’re fired.

I cleaned out my desk like you asked. What did you want to see me about?

I hope you found this open dialogue helpful. It is always nice to cut through the red tape and hear what is on your mind. I like waking up at 4:30AM to get this shit out of the way so I can begin my real job of keeping the lights on in this place.