When I win the lottery

Once Powerball starts flirting with 100+ million, workers in Virginia make a lunchtime exodus to Washington, D.C. to buy their tickets. Because anything less than three digits before the word "million" just isn't worth the effort. When nobody wins and the jackpot increases in astronomical increments then the main topic at the water cooler becomes, "If I won the lottery". The subject matter makes for good conversation because it allows us to dream beyond our balsa wood office walls and also learn how others less deserving than ourselves would spend it. Some would strive to make the world a better place, others would make life easier for their families, and others would pay disgusting amounts of money for really high class whores.

The lottery teaches us very important lessons about winning, excess, and mortgaging your house on Powerball tickets in hopes of living the American Dream. If you think your life wouldn't change because of winning then you are either; filthy rich already, just heard from your doctor that you have 12 hours to live, or believe O.J. Simpson is innocent. Millions of dollars will change you, trust me, I want to know. I overheard a lottery discussion the other day while sleeping at my desk and I thought this would be a fun exercise to really delve into the details. I've always talked about it on the surface but never obsessed about it. I think obsession for this topic is important, especially since I plan on winning the lottery. A man has to have goals in life.

So let's say I won. First things first, how would I quit my job? For the overwhelming majority of Americans who work there's always that sense of worry upon quitting; bridging the financial gap between jobs, getting vacation paid out, or double checking the corporate 401k for a vested status. Imagine no financial burden upon resignation, how would you quit? So many options and so little time. There's the option of making a huge scene during peak work hours. Get everyone's attention with a bullhorn, air your grievances, then politely drop your pants and urinate on your laptop while it's plugged in so everyone can see it short circuit. O.K., that's a little too aggressive and involves an inevitable lawsuit. The last person you want to give your money to is the company you work for. Plus people might be laughing for unintended reasons when you drop your pants.

There is a super stealth mode that yields greater satisfaction. The object is to treat the day you are quitting no different than any other day except for the fact that you now have an offensive amount of money in your bank account. Come into work, turn on the office lights, fire up the laptop, and grab your coffee. Be sure to answer emails and drop a few phone calls to let everyone know you are around. When the clock strikes noon, tell all your co-workers that you have to "run an errand". Promptly throw on your jacket, walk out the door, change your home number, change your cell number, and never talk to another co-worker again for the rest of your life. Leave them all guessing. I take so much pleasure in the thought of doing this. I know, I'm sick. It's hard to type in a straight-jacket using only your nose to hit the keypad.

Shewww...quitting was fun, now I have the rest of my life. Based on projections from life-insurance actuaries I have approximately 45 years left in me. Here's my list in no particular order:

• Learn Italian
• Learn Spanish
• Learn Japanese
• Hit all 50 states in a cross-country trip with my golf clubs
• Join a country club
• Take piano lessons
• Take saxophone lessons
• Take golf lessons
• Take boxing lessons
• Become a black belt in Jeet Kune Do
• Attend the Superbowl every year
• Attend the Final 4 every year
• Attend the Masters every other year
• Go camping in Alaska
• Get into insane shape, run a sub 5 minute mile
• Write a book
• Write a screenplay
• Go to film school
• Make a documentary
• Make a short-film
• Try a stint as a late night D.J.
• Create my own cable access show
• Buy a lake house, give all immediate family members a key
• Buy a beach house, give all immediate family members a key
• Start a foundation to help consumers battle debt
• Give an obscene amount of money to my high school
• Give a little bit of money to my college
• Become a venture capitalist for my friends and family

I came up with that list in ten minutes. I realize several things bullet pointed above cost little to no money. But unfortunately time is money and that's what having alot of money can give you, the luxury of doing the things you want without worrying about the time it takes to do them. I have been babbling so long I almost forgot to go buy my ticket. See you later, keep your fingers crossed.

User ID and Password Please

Passwords place quite a demand on our memorization skills, especially if you are a member of Corporate America. The first thing I have to do in the morning when I arrive to my gorgeous government grey non-descript cubicle is log in. First the computer; user id and password. Now it's my phone powered by Cisco Networks; user id and password. Oh wait, I have voicemail, let me check my messages; user id and password. Before I've even had time to sneak in a sip of vodka from my bottom cabinet, I have three user id's and three passwords plugged in. And that's just the beginning.

The number of PINs, passwords, and user id's increase exponentially if you have access to the internet. Yahoo email, Google email, Shutterfly, Clark Photo, Snapfish, online banking, and checking up on the underperforming 401K plan. To add insult to injury, our company has PeopleSoft which has even more "access rights" for end-users; want to forecast vacation...type in your password, want to find out about your W-2's...type in your password, want to use the restroom...type in your password. Not to mention memorizing the non-internet associated ATM PIN and accessing voicemail through home and cell. Hell, I even have a user id and password for creating this blog. Fortunately for me, any hacker would fall asleep at the keyboard while reading my blog before gaining access to it.

I have approximately twenty user id's and passwords on a daily basis. Twenty variations of case-sensitive characters and stand alone numbers just to technologically function throughout the working day. And to make matters worse, the latest craze in keeping websites, cell phones, and computers "hacker safe" is to force the end-user to change passwords after a certain amount of time has transpired from the creation of the previous password. Once the muscle memory in your fingertips becomes accustomed to "Boraxo69GO", it's time to switch it up all over again.

The final kicker is HAL 9000 telling us not to write down passwords. Please memorize them. Domo arigato but no domo arigato Mr. Roboto, I have enough problems trying to remember where I put my keys and wallet, I'm writing my passwords down.