Oh, The Places You'll Stay

B.F. Skinner was an American psychologist who believed that if science was able to psychologically dissect human behavior down to the molecular level then every future human action could be predicted. The sobering part of this behavioral theory is that free will is an illusion. We have no choice in what we take in our coffee, what time we go to bed, and how long we keep watching a "Diff'rent Strokes" marathon on TV Land.

Wha'choo talking about B.F. Skinner?

After reading over my company's current goal-setting matrix for future performance, I'm beginning to think our executives are big fans of B.F. Skinner's school of thought.

This year our company has given us the unique opportunity to create our own careers. We actually get to choose our goals. Employees can take the corporate journey on their own terms. We can go only as far as the limitations we impose on ourselves. May the force be with you, NaNoo NaNoo, and all that other shit.

Orson, these humans are crazier than shithouse rats.

So let's begin...

The first thing I realize is that my future career is quarantined by my current capabilities. As long as my career dovetails with my experience and business line, the sky is the limit. This makes sense. If I was hired to be a consultant in let's say, writing code for Homeland Security, then my company wouldn't want me spending my days writing for a blog. OK, bad example, but you get the point. The corporation would want my work to speak to my expertise and vice-versa.

Mental note, keep goals that speak to my skillset.

Now before I can go crazy with my goals I am politely reminded within our performance database that goals are preassigned by position and level. That makes sense. You can't create subpar goals for yourself and expect to succeed. Conversely, you can't expect a new hire to be operating at the same level as the CEO.

Mental note, set reasonable and achievable goals that speak to my skillset.

Metrics are pre-populated. Hmm, options are dwindling. The metrics detail the amount of chargeability that is expected of me. They also list how much money I should bring in for the company, and the necessary training I need to complete in order to remain compliant with corporate standards. These metrics are based on my current position and skillset.

Mental note, adhere to pre-determined metrics and set reasonable and achievable goals that speak to my skillset.

Here's the section I've been waiting for. Individual goals. Sweet freedom! Time to let it rip and shoot for the stars. Oh, the places I'll go. Oh, the fine print. Let's see, "goals should be linked directly to your business line and sector". Alright, so basically my individual goals are what I'm already doing. I have about as much freedom as a prisoner on furlough.

The sky's the limit! Scratch that.
According to our monitor, your cubicle and the restrooms are the limit.

Mental note, just get back to work. Not because I have to but because I want to. That's right, SSSSSSS, burn on you executives. I'm here by choice, man.