Jerk It Out

In 2007, McKinsey & Company released an article about jerks in the office *. If you don’t have Jerkdar and end up working with one, you have a problem. For those of us fortunate to have solid bosses we owe it to our colleagues to get rid of the jerks.

The best jerks in the business have a cancerous effect. The correlation of their venomous traits is a direct causation to the dysfunction of a team, department, or entire company. People focus less on the work and more on covering their own ass.

So, how do you get rid of a jerk once they have been hired? This is where the McKinsey article falls short. It offers Pollyanna explanations. The reality is firing anyone is difficult, no matter how egregious their behavior. Due diligence, a strong case, and a blessing from General Counsel are needed to proceed with an exit plan. A complicated and often expensive task. Cheap and quick is the better way to go.

I'm an idea man, Chuck.

• Take the Jerk to happy hour. Get 'em drunk. Super glue a gun to their hand and then push them into a police station. “Drop the gun, drop the gun!” The Jerk uselessly tries to shake the gun out of their hand. The police misinterpret the histrionics as aggressive behavior. Gunfire. The Jerk will be eating more lead than a junkyard compactor.

• Contact a casting agent in your area. Scour through all of the actor profiles and find one who is similar or identical in appearance to the jerk at your office. Bring the actor/impostor to the next big work function of 70+ people. Have the actor drop key lines and questions to high-level individuals, “What is the age for statutory rape?”, "It's nice to see you weren't discriminated against because of obesity.”, “Where’s the shitter?”

• A strike to the knee with a crowbar.

(murmuring through breath) You're going down, bitch.

O.K., so that last one isn’t very creative, but it works. And trust me, you will gain immediate clout with your colleagues by implementing any of the effective methods above. Once you get rid of the jerk, you can get to the actual work that needs to be completed.

* The article was adapted from a book by Robert Sutton, professor of management science and engineering at Stanford University. The book is titled, “The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t”. Link is below.

http://www.washburn.edu/faculty/rweigand/McKinsey/McKinsey-Building-The-Civilized-Workplace.pdf

Call Waiting, and waiting, and waiting....

Our client is habitually 15 minutes late to conference calls. (Numerous conference calls) x (numerous people) x (high hourly rates) = a dizzying amount of waste.

C'mon, I really have to pee.

This week we had a 2:00PM call scheduled for one hour to talk about a training presentation:

2:00 – All contractors dial in. An orchestra of "BEEP-BOOP"s. Approximately 12 people on the line. We are not allowed to speak with each other as directed by the client. Silence for 15 minutes.

2:15 – Client logs in to indicate that another meeting is in progress. “Please hold”. Silence for 15 minutes. "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again..."

2:30 – The half-hour tipping point. Contractors start dropping faster than Kate Gosselin’s bank account. A cacophony of “BEEP-BOOP”s. The mono sound should be identical as joining the call but instead it expresses a hint of frustration. Yes, I’m dumb enough to stay on. 15 minutes of self-inflicted silence. "In restless dreams I walked alone, narrow streets of cobblestone..."

2:45 – The client logs in asking where everyone is. Really? A five-minute discussion to explain that nothing happened on the conference call and no one talked to each other.

2:50 – The client explains how they want to save money on training. In order to alleviate costs, they do not want to implement an operator-assisted call. Projected savings, $500. Great idea. But you probably could save money by....nevermind.

2:55 – Schedule a time for the following week. Top agenda item is to further discuss penny-wise pound-foolish cost savings for training.

Hello? Was that a BEEP or a BOOP. Hello!

Oh well. Hang up and get ready for the 3:00PM call.

Jock-Blocking My Fantasy

The Internet destination you have requested, Yahoo Fantasy Football, has been blocked in conformance with company policy. A record has been made of this particular event. Specifically, your attempted trade transaction. Aaron Rodgers for Andre Johnson? Yes, Johnson is a beast but your backup quarterback is Jason Campbell. C.J., if your commissioner, “Fat Jesus” didn’t bitch slap you yet, we’ll send someone from IT to do it.

Even I wouldn't make that trade.

The Company reserves the right to monitor your activities. Especially after trying to re-enact the Jonestown massacre on your roster. Are you trying to dump your team and pump up someone else’s? I know, “Say You, Say Me, Seau” needs help but you don’t have to hand him the keys to the castle. Wheel and deal! Thank goodness we blocked the site. With that short bus move I’m surprised you even know how to operate a mouse. You should rename your team, “Enron”.

A violation of this policy may be reported to government authorities if necessary. But after reviewing how many points you left on the bench this week the Company will pass. You sat Rashard Mendenhall against San Diego’s porous run defense? Attention dumb ass, Willie Parker has turf toe. In order to protect the Company, your activity won’t be reported to the government. We don’t want them to know your I.Q. is equal to Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua.

You left Rashard on the bench, C.J.?

Violation could result in termination but IT is taking over your team instead. This is for your own good. Do you want to be a cellar dweller? We are going to leverage your stable of running backs to command a high caliber receiver. “Tequilaman Chokehold” is desperate for a running game. That’s the first door we’re knocking on. Next, dropping the Tennesse D. Time to let it go

Now get back to your regular work. Something tells me you’ll be fired for that anyways

Thanks for Nothing

I think it is important to acknowledge every day accomplishments of those we work with. Whether it be your boss, colleague, or nearby cube mate, recognition is essential to self esteem, regardless of pay grade. Keeping this in mind, make it a point today to tip your hat to those who impact your 9 to 5 life. I know I am going to have my hands full. So many things to be thankful for…..time to spread the joy.

In the hallway. "Thanks for canceling our meeting last minute and ruining my lunch plans."

On the elevator. "Congrats on the presentation. The amount of inefficiency was impressive. So many words, so little to say."

During the meeting. "Thanks for forgetting my name, again. It’s nice to see you’re not bogged down with those kinda’ details."

After hanging up the phone. "I love your personal stories, can you speak up next time?"

In the strip club. "Nice dress. You know Halloween isn’t until the end of the month, right?"

My hair style looks good? Thanks!

You won’t walk away empty-handed. The compliments will come back faster than a gas-powered boomerang. It’s a win-win. Every thank you sent out as a penny will come back dressed up as a quarter.

In the cafeteria. "Thanks for sending me those charge codes. They were for the wrong project, now I have to resubmit my timesheet for the last two weeks."

Before the presentation. "Good job on the conference call today. Next time, use the mute button."

On my way out. "Thanks for coming in late and leaving early."

During my performance evaluation. "Douchebag."

Now go out there and start changing the world. One thank you at a time.