One Week, Six Pages

I have been wrangled into the middle of the storm. We have one week and six pages. The challenge: write a proposal section pregnant with promise that is confined to limited real estate. All while senior personnel use their competing voices and priorities to dictate inclusion and exclusion criteria. It's an official shit show. After this stint, I am adding, "wordsmithing peacemaker" to my resume.

Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt the...
Oh fuck it, I always sucked at proposals.

It started with an outline [It always starts with an outline.] Find the story before telling it. Define the flow and narrative. So many opinions, so little time. Punch them in the mouth with their key challenge on the opener, it will help them to understand we know their problem. Start out with our experience, it will help them know we can do the job. Begin with the "how", it will help them realize we have a process to solve their issue. No one is on the same page. At this point, no one is even in the same library and I have yet to write a single word.

You and me? Yeah, we're writing this together.
Whether you like it or not.

I would have written less but I did not have enough time. God bless you Mark Twain, now I understand. With brute force mentality, I power through the first draft and fasten my seatbelt for the next meeting. Without surprise, the latest version is torn from limb-to-limb by the angry mob of editors. "Weak intro", "It doesn't speak to the statement of work", "Too long", "I hate you."

There's the author. Get him!

We play 52 pickup with the table of contents. Another outline, another write-up. It might be saved as "V.2" but when considering everyone's input, "V.26" is more apropos. A frenzied email string reveals all the current holes. Everyone implores that a meeting is vital to the success of this piece. A meeting is scheduled with numerous personnel from multiple skill sets for balanced input. One person shows up. One person gives feedback. With this one voice I find the next rewrite much easier to tackle. Except everyone who was unable to attend the meeting now has a delayed opinion.

Entertaining drastic edits while in the actual process of writing is impossible. It's like participating in an episode of Jeopardy! with an air horn blasting in your ear. That is it, going offline. My whereabouts moved from "Do Not Disturb" to "Try and Find Me". Off the grid of connectivity. Alone with my thoughts. Churn and burn those thoughts into words.

Has anyone seen Corporate Joe?

Next draft, next meeting. The imminent deadline staring back at us. Hints of consensus. A narrative is beginning to take shape. Still pushing. A few sticky points for inclusion. Almost there. Rewrite. Review. Rewrite. Review. Done! Except it is nine pages. Three pages over the limit. Time to be a heartless surgeon.

The editing room floor is riddled with half-baked ideas and run-on sentences. Too detailed, gone. Too broad of a stroke, see-ya. Great sentence with no substance, bye-bye. I am drunk with power. The tables have turned. This indentured servant now owns the estate. Each stroke of my red pen more empowering. Who are we kidding with Figure 1.2.5-7a.i!?! My kid draws better process flows with his Crayolas. Table 3, puh-leaze. That 7 point Arial font makes it look like a nest of indecipherable ink. Here is some advice, have a point.

This shit has got to go.

Final review. The smoke has cleared and the crying has stopped. The group accepts my aggressive, inevitable, and necessary edits. Then we hear back from the solicitor. They would like us to explore this section more and we can expand. I have to hand back the keys to the castle. Hero to Zero. It was fun to be in charge for a bit. Now I have to shut-up and listen all over again.

Open Office, Closed Mind

The open office space concept has kicked it with the crossover. The design has transcended its Silicon Valley roots and reached into more traditional institutions. The latest adopter[victim] is Citigroup. In its new Manhattan office, not even the CEO will have a door. The supposed benefits are touted as work related. The sentinel effect: a boss can keep his eyes on the workforce. Productivity and favorable outcomes increase when one is being watched. Busy-ness: a bustling workplace that makes each employee feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. Increased collaboration among co-workers. Egalitarianism: a removed hierarchy that flattens out any org chart. We are all in charge. Oh, and money. Saving money to be specific. Loads of it.

Trust me kid, Bluestar is going to love this new floor plan.

Companies are saving coin, some in the millions, with unassigned and open seating arrangements. If everything is equal, fighting for an office is no longer an option. No need to configure space when a grid will do. Same design, limited materials, and a uniform layout for everyone. Companies can adapt to explosive growth without having to pay significant expansion costs related to rent and utility bills. Packing in the masses trumps breathing room. If future quarters look promising, rent out another floor and create another grid. Most employees do not like the open office and the amount of reasons why are astounding. I live with it when I visit the office. Based on experience, open floor plans should be as dead as the Dodo bird.

Love the layout. When can we build the real thing?

The supposed benefits are greatly out-of-sync with the reality. For the sentinel effect, I cannot work when I am being watched. I am an introvert by nature. The big brother setup induces anxiety, not productivity. When I arrive, when I leave, how many Flaming Moe's I drank. All are being monitored. Solution: when the boss might be looking, look busy. There are several techniques I recommend with optimal results. While reading through a random deliverable, bite the end of a pencil and then tap it on the egalitarian table top. Open an excel spreadsheet with numerous macros and formulas that perform calculations in endless loops. Swivel your head from hard copy deliverable to the screen of macros. Bite and tap the pencil at well-timed intervals. Nothing is getting done and something is happening at the same time. The environment creates a setup to look busy rather than to be busy. Productivity appearance up, productivity numbers down.

Drop off the guns, pick up my brother at the hospital,
stir the sauce, don't call from the house, get arrested by the Feds.

Get together! Shoot some ideas around! The workplace is buzzing with activities! None of these are true--at all. When privacy is physically taken away, personal walls can be created through other means. A forced community feel is battled with Beats, Bose, Skull Candy and shooting range earmuffs. There is a staggering reduction in eye contact. Phone conversations are now conducted through hushed toned headsets. All of these are non-verbal cues indicating people will fight for every ounce of their privacy in a public space. The only buzz generated is from the fluorescent lighting. The outcome is counter-intuitive. Human interaction replaced by silence. The noise level of our office rivals that of a sign language convention.

Please, whatever you do, don't talk to me.

I work. My company pays me well. If the open concept saves the company money, I'm down with it. My problem is hiding the motive of savings under the guise of a company's emotional well-being. Please do not spread shit on my sandwich and tell me it is apple butter. I know what you are selling. Tell me the truth. I will respect you even if I disagree.

Corporate Joe in open space land? No thanks--"cubicle land" is better. Both in title and in practice.