The Benefits of Smoking

The smokers in the 9 to 5 world are a dying breed, literally. They used to be in full force during the 70's when they openly smoked in the office during the day and wife-swapped at night. The 80's and a litany of data against the tobacco companies forced them outside the office building to get their fix while debating the importance of “St. Elmo’s Fire”. The 90's brought the next round of analysis against tobacco use and finally reduced smokers to areas the size of hamster cages in the bowels of underground parking where they discussed the demise of pets.com.

The facts against smoking are astounding. It is an originating point of numerous health problems; lung disease, emphysema, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and gonorrhea to name a few. Without any research on my behalf I have been able to estimate that smokers are unhealthy and cost employers billions of dollars a year in health benefits. But those are just minor details. The yellow-toothed truth is that smokers have a secret they don't want to share with us second-handers. And I think I figured it out.

The trick is realizing that being 55 and retired is a dream for many workers but tobacco can make it a reality. Sure, smoking takes an estimated six years off your lifespan but who wants to live until you're being fed through a straw (unless that straw has Bombay Sapphire Gin flowing through it). With a shorter lifespan you retire earlier. It’s time we inhaled the aroma of Class A Cigarette happiness. Remember that lake house you’ve been dreaming about? Take a puff, now it’s closer. The cross-country motorcycle tour? Take a puff, you can see it now. Each cigarette will chisel away your working years and put that retirement date within reach.

Back off! I'll be on the conference call in 5 minutes.

Not only does smoking lessen your career but it shortens your day. Fact is, smokers don't work as many hours as their non-smoking counterparts. Four cigarette breaks per day reduces the eight hour workday to seven and a half hours. Toking a fleeting high off of a death stick in a concrete basement seems like a nice alternative to pretending to work. Fight back by smoking. Job's a drag? Take a drag. The hidden bonus is tapping into a new social network by bonding with other smokers who have been ostracized because of their habit. Chances are they will be suspicious of your initial visit to the smoking area but a simple icebreaker will win them over, “Hey, I have an addictive personality and I’m too weak to kick a nicotine habit, plus I wet my bed until I was 27”. Trust me, they’ll be putty in your hands.

The benefits of smoking don’t stop once your smoke break is over because the nicotine is racing like the Baja 1000 through your bloodstream. Now get back to your desk and start plowing through your “to do” list:

• Items for grocery shopping (done)
• Surf youtube.com (je suis fini)
• Assemble pens and pencils by height (check)
• Refill stapler (chickity check)

How productive was that! Thank you nicotine, you’re not so bad after all. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pack of unfiltered Lucky Strikes with my name written all over it.