Cocky in my Khakis

I'm not very passionate about my job and my wardrobe reflects this lack of career enthusiasm. Lately my apathetic sense of fashion has transformed into unintentional rebellion. I recently passed by an EVP in the hall and his gaze drifted towards my khakis. His eyes locked on the conspicuously frayed hems at the bottom of my pants which were hanging like tassles from a Bon Jovi concert t-shirt. His eyes said it all, "clean up your act son". Like a parent being dissappointed in you instead of being angry. Just the worst.

After this encounter I knew I had pushed the envelope of business casual to got no business being that casual. It was time for my five year clothing outing. Shopping for work clothes is a costly nuisance. I'm a t-shirts and jeans man but our office maintains a business casual policy. Occassionaly we're allowed to wear jeans to work but it's only if you cough up money to support an obscure cause. Last time we wore denim was to save the flying tree frogs in Bacabal. It's nice to know I had a little something to do with that.

Before my clothing expedition, I sadly departed with my previous "dress pants". The frayed ones were the first to go. Next, a pair with the faded imprint of my bulging wallet on the back pocket. Next, a pair that had a rip near my upper-hip area revealing my tighty whities. Finally, a pair that were obscenely tight with my refusal to believe my waist had expanded another inch. Farewell pants, we had some good times together sleeping in my cubicle, may The Salvation Army have the guts to throw you away.

Time to head to the store with the cheapest khakis coupled with a waspy environment, The Gap. The hardwood floors, the bleached lighting and the bleached employees always give me a leery feeling. But for $23 for a pair of khakis I'll overlook the casting call for "Boys from Brazil". Since I'm starting with a clean slate I have to buy at least one pair for each day of the work week. Three stressfree relaxed fit flat front khakis in three different colors; black, stone, and khaki. And to show that I mean business I'll throw in two dress pants. One hundred twenty nine dollars and twenty minutes later, I'm done, and completely set for half a decade from the waist down.

After placing all of my new slacks in the washer and dryer(even the dress ones), I tried everything on again. All a perfect fit, I felt like a new man. Actually I felt like the same man with a new pair of pants. Things are going to be different in the office now. Look at my trousers, listen to my words, I'm meant to be taken seriously. If you don't think I'm essential to the future of this company then may I remind you to look at my pants. That's right, they're $23 a pair, kneel before Zod.

I walked briskly down the hall with a purpose this time, the EVP once again on the opposite end of the hallway with the same gait. You and me, we're the same amigo. That's right, new pants. He sent another gaze towards my shoes and once again screamed, "clean up your act son". I stared down in horror. My black Kenneth Cole shoes that cost more than all my pants combined had a white streak on both of them from those offsite storage boxes that I keep meaning to send...offsite. Looks like I'm going shopping again. This time to purchase a black Sharpie.