10. Men in Pink Shirts
Yes, you're completely comfortable in your own sexuality. You're also still waiting to pick up your dry cleaning. It's fine if you're a cabana boy in South Beach or a banker in Bermuda.
-Punishment-
Wear a pink tu-tu sprinkled with strawberry hearts and parade around new employee orientation waving a wand. You are required to greet each new employee with an eskimo kiss. But hey, you're comfortable, right?
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9. Men in Diagonal Striped Shirts
Let me guess, you're from Jersey City, are on your second cycle of HGH, and were nominated as fitness member of the month at Gold's Gym. Treat yourself to a sideways striped shirt.
-Punishment-
You will continue to live in Jersey City.
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8. Too much cologne
You're still from Jersey City.
-Punishment-
You will still continue to live in Jersey City.
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7. Glitter (eyes and/or hair)
Glitter is great, if you're a whore.
-Punishment-
You like glitter? Good, now you can bunk with Gary Glitter while watching Mariah Carey in the movie Glitter.
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That's really cool how your prescription glasses cover 90% of your face. Last time I saw a pair of glasses that big I was doing a bunny-hop on my Mongoose.
-Punishment-
Have to watch a 24 hour John Hughes film festival with special focus on plot points in Uncle Buck. In Chinese with English subtext.
5. Winter, Spring, Summer, or the other one
It's February, it's 40 degrees outside, and you're dressed for a bonfire on the beach. Get your seasons straight.
-Punishment-
Tropical climate, we've got the ticket. A one way ticket to Sudan where highs will be in the 90's with a 50% chance of death from stray bullets. But hey, warm weather.
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4. Men in Tight Pants
"Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm,
I've been kicked around
since I was born. "
-Punishment-
Severe fist blows to the crotch. But that's probably a fetish for you, Mr. Pervert in Tight Pants.
Who's making fun? Scoundrels!
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3. Women with Big Hair
I love the way your hair looks like a blonde batch of cotton candy. You're living proof that AquaNet comes in 2-liter bottles. And you're a cosmetologist? You don't say.
-Punishment-
Culprits will have to part their hair on the opposite side and will be stripped of all hair products for one month.
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2. Goth Interns
You're such a rebel. Sticking it to the man while working for the man. The all-black attire and body piercings are dead-on. Of course you dress like that because you don't care. Now continue to listen to your i-Pod clogged with Siouxsie and the Banshees.
-Punishment-
New i-Pod playlist with Bread in endless rotation while dressed in white and strapped to a chair. Not much different than how you'd be in 10 years anyways. Except I don't think they lend out i-Pods to people in psych units.
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1. Flip-flops
You're "pushing summer", I love that term, it's straight out of the fridge. Now shutup and listen. The painful onomatopoeia of "flip-flop" is equivalent to rolling around in broken glass.
-Punishment-
Nothing too severe. Feet will be removed with a hacksaw.
2 comments:
I like the new corporate joe - a bit more harsh and judgemental vs. the clueless Joe of Happy Hour Premiere
Pushing Summer.
I really like that.
I guess that's what I do.
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