Hold the Line, Add the Toner

My printer ran out of toner today. And everyone quizzically asks Corporate Joe, "Did someone call this in?" which translates to "Can you call this in?" And as always, I cave and reluctantly phone our help desk.

The HP LaserJet is approximately two feet away from my cubicle but if I want new toner I have to call across the world to Delhi, India and speak with a tech specialist named Balachandra Janakibhushan aka "BJ".

BJ is an extremely decent human being. All of our lives would be more peaceful if there were more BJ's in this world. His level of politeness is unmatched. Unfortunately, so is his understanding of the English language.

The routine usually transpires in the following manner...

My call is immediately put on hold. The ironic Muzak of Toto's "Hold the Line" echoes through the receiver. Except this version sounds as if Ghandi became the sound engineer for Zamfir's coverband of Toto's Greatest Hits.

"Take it from me, Ghandi's got mad skills as a producer."

Once BJ picks up the phone, he asks me a series of questions that are equivalent to applying for a passport. After the tenth question, I actually have the mappings for my latitude and longitude ready, just in case. Then, for good measure, I'm put back on hold.

Hold the line, love isn't always on time.

At this point, I imagine BJ is typing my words into a decoder to unlock the secret mystery behind the statement "My printer needs toner". Normally, this would upset me. But I actually get upset because I have the inability to become upset due to BJ's level of courtesy.

It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you do!

He's just getting by, trying to make ends meet.

Hold the line, love isn't always on time.

If he lived near me, we'd definitely be drinking some Mango Lassi over Aloo Tikki.

Woah woah woah!

"I am one with nature. Your ticket number is H279Q-4."

Finally, we are on the same page and he orders the toner. So where does Mr. Janakibhushan call now?...thousands of miles across the world to the very building I work in. A few hours later an employee from Facilities replaces the toner. I notice this employee because he works on the same floor as me.

I have the audacity to ask, "Why can't I just..." and before I can finish the sentence Dr. Facilities gives me a look like he's answered the question a million times.

I imagine BJ politely laughing at the absurdity of it all thousands of miles away.