Well, Come to the Dollhouse

Every 14 months Senior Management gets an itch to juggle their personnel. In corporate jargon it's called a "re-organization". In layman's term it's called "f*cking shit up". A reorganization is the leveraging of available skillsets with projected business needs to fully optimize the potential of a company. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? In reality, it is the opportunity for Senior Management to play with their dollhouse in the belief that they are building a better Weeble home.

I'm Jack, please keep me.

I'm Jane. Please fire Jack.

He wears that red shirt every day and refuses to leave his wife.

The first step involves business theory among the executives. They not only lock themselves away in their inviolable* conference room but also from the day-to-day operations of the very business they are restructuring. These intense meetings are filled with trays from catering service and mind-numbing PowerPoint presentations. The brainstorming is electrified by ideas that are conceived from the intellectual seeds of grown men who weren't laid until their early 30's. From this process, the reorganization begins to take shape.

The second signature step of a reorganization is creating a rumor that is thrust into the ether by Senior Management. This rumor of a reorganization grows exponentially until it is squashed with feigned disgust several weeks later by the same individuals who perpetrated it. This allows Senior Management to read the initial reaction of the masses and buy time on how they'll drop the real bomb.

The long conference room hours pay off. A reorganization idea is officially born, cradled by Senior Management, and passed around the room to all the proud parents. All the tension from grinding out the work dissolves once birth is given. It is the very moment that Senior Management recognizes their own power by designing a plan that guarantees them job security. They know that Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

Cigars are lit and Martinis flow at an unofficial happy hour. Nirvana is felt by all and also happens to be playing on the dilapidated jukebox. As "Lithium" blares from the foam covered speakers they all reminisce to a time when they weren't getting laid. Reassuring nods are given and nervous joy is felt prior to the release of the news. Senior Management is so proud of their newborn. This baby is really going to change things.

He's an angel when he sleeps.

The workforce receives the news regarding the birth of the monster. Chaos will reign due to its entry into their corporation. The intellectual fetus is grotesque and will devour salaries and bonuses with its insatiable appetite for overhead.

I'm up. Tommy want wingy!

Senior Management is disturbed and upset by the initial reception. How can this be? We love this idea. We'll be stronger in our core skillset. We'll have more flexibility to react to the marketplace. We'll have increased salaries while yours will decrease. What is wrong with you people?

Senior Management is disgusted with how the reorganization is being implemented. Their initial vision has become a harsh reality of disgruntled workers. The workers push, "What about our jobs?" Senior Management pushes back, "It's not an option, it's a mandate."

The newborn has entered into a hostile world that is not ready to accept the reality it represents. A counterattack ensues by the workforce that involves jobsearch engines, longer lunches, and offline conversations. This Weeble is wobbling and it might fall down.

All the qualified workers that were unimpressed with the newborn make a mass exodus for similar industries that involve higher pay and less responsibility. The dust settles on the reorganization and all that remains are employees who were either a) too lazy to find a new job or b) unqualified to find a new job. Senior Management is left with the weakest links in every facet of their company.

New personnel is hired from competitors. These employees are in their own personal exodus from their company that is in the midst of a reorganization not favorable to their careers. Senior Management has now found individuals who are onboard with their message, their goal, their vision.

The new team is in place, but just like that, it's 14 months later and the marketplace has changed. Priorities have been re-prioritized, the portfolio of the business requires different skillsets, and different workers. This Weeble has wobbled and it has fallen down.

Senior Management rebuilds the foundation of their dollhouse. With selective amnesia they remember all the promise of their last reorganization. Bloated with blind hope, they lock themselves away in their conference room and line up all the Weebles for another round.

*Merriam-Webster's Online 10-point SAT "Word of the Day", bee-otch.