Watch Your Tone

In the busy world of consulting, a landline is not enough. Most consultants have to be strapped with a cellphone at a minimum, while others of a higher pay grade carry a Blackberry. Either way, it's another line on your business card and email signature indicating that there's no way in hell your dodging the client.

I understand the necessary evil of mobile phones in the world of consulting. It is a mobile industry; cubicles, metro, cars, airports, strip clubs. Consultants can be anywhere at any time when the client needs to reach them. But these devices should serve as a backup to the landline. Several co-workers in my immediate vicinity don't understand this. And the futile ritual begins with a simple yet annoying ringtone. Here are some of the samples I've heard firsthand in the past few days:

• Snoop Dogg's "Drop it like it's hot" - Princess, the only thing you know how to drop is your daddy's Amex Gold Card at The Banana Republic. Quit trying to be so urban and go back to your one bedroom rented townhouse behind Quizno's.
  
• Classic Telephone - Wait, I hear a ringer from an old telephone. Oh, it's just the ringer on your cellphone you say? What a crazy shenanigan! You got some attention doing that. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Kill yourself.
  
• (Operator's Voice) "YOU have an incoming call" - I'd rather listen to Tiny Tim sing "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton than that smug operator and her condescending voice. Although I'm sure Tiny Tim has some righteous ringtones of his own.
  
• The default ring - The fact that someone is either too stupid or too lazy to figure out the variety of ringtones on their cell is more annoying than the default ring itself.

Yes, Miffy, I am dropping it like it's hot.

The rings are just the beginning since my building is a deadzone of cell coverage. Over the course of a day, my battery drains faster than a strip club's ATM since it constantly struggles to find a signal. Some co-workers still try to pick up a call within the building despite the years of dropped calls haunting the ether of our workspace. Insanity is repeating the same behavior but expecting different results. And trust me, they look insane.

The volume in their voice immediately increases exponentially peppered with the words "Hello" and "Can you hear me now?" as they frantically pace for a pocket of coverage. It's almost as if they are in a shuttle run with no fixed points. Someone witnessing this with no prior knowledge of human behavior might mistake it for a cryptic mating ritual.

Your powers are useless in my building, four eyes.

The rare but enjoyable scene is when two employees in close proximity answer separate cellphone calls at the same time. If you close your eyes you can pretend that two half-deaf retards are trying to talk to each other.

HALF-DEAF RETARD 1
Hello?

HALF-DEAF RETARD 2
What? Pardon? I CAN'T HEAR YOU?

HALF-DEAF RETARD 1
Can you hear me now?

HALF-DEAF RETARD 2
HELLO?

The two half-deaf retards hang up their phones and get their retarded lunches.

Oh sorry, my eyes were still closed.

Here are two ideas 1) put the cellphone on vibrate so you won't wake everyone up from being bitch-slapped with excessive calls from the client and 2) look at the phone number and call it back on a landline. What a psychologically exhausting solution. But it's hard to think above the din of a thousand rings.