Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
1. I hate the T.G.I.Fridays menu. Enough with the Jack Daniels sauce.
2. The majority of presentations I’ve seen, suck.
3. I believe people lead far more interesting lives outside of work. But I don’t really give a shit.
4. I remember being fresh out of college in 1992 and a friend told me about a company called AOL. They were hiring at the time. I thought to myself, “AOL? What the f*ck is that?”
5. I’m amazed at how two people can make the same amount of money in the same type of position yet one is socially retarded and the other is a class act.
6. I have taken a ton of business trips, I would label maybe two of them as actually being, “fun”.
7. I believe individuals who give credit to others go much further in Corporate America than the hyenas that hijack their team’s accomplishments.
8. I have found out that if you think someone is full of shit, most likely everyone else thinks the same thing.
9. I have freakish metabolism.
10. I like working during the holidays. Nothing beats a quiet office. Or beating off in a quiet office.
11. I am the most ineffective employee when working from home. The refrigerator has been put to memory by 10am. A good example of a bad example.
12. I like having SAS programming skills instead of soft skills. You can either do it or you can’t. There’s no hiding.
13. I’ve always wanted to be named Joshua Rainwood.
14. I believe confidence mistakenly trumps intelligence too much. And there are a lot of overconfident people out there.
15. I refuse to touch food left in the pantry with a post-it note labeled, “Help Yourself”.
16. I want to leave food in the pantry with a post-it note label, “Keep your f*cking hands off this.”
17. I have a Bengal Tiger affectionately known as, "Bitey".
18. I believe nothing beats the taste of an ice cold Coca-Cola from a vending machine. Even when mistakenly priced for the year 2046 with inflation.
19. I think the position of CEO is easy to vilify. The inconvenient truth is that most of them are extremely smart and have worked their asses off ascending to that position.
20. I have found out that an awful day/week/qtr/year for a company is a great day for the press.
21. I think it would be funny to write a movie where a guy is stuck in Corporate America and hatches a plan to rip off the company. Call it something like, "Office Space". That would be some funny shit.
22. The best bosses I have had are women, not men.
23. I actually left the building for lunch at 10:30AM one morning to go to Wendy’s and have a Baconator.
24. Based on the extensive algorithms on the back of my Wendy's napkin, I have calculated that 99.9% of employees a) do not show up to meetings on time and b) are not prepared for the meetings they show up for.
25. Please stop talking about your kids, please.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Office Booty
One day my cubicle looks like it was designed for an Office Depot commercial, the next day it’s a post-riot TV store. Another victim of a supply-jack; stapler, tape dispenser, pencils, pen, gone. It was not always like this. There used to be peace among the villagers.
Once my company lived in a world where employees could nonchalantly arrive at the fifth floor, speak with Facilities, and walk away with supplies for various day-to-day needs. But something happened on the way to heaven. Employees took something beautiful and made it ugly. The booty of office supplies were pillaged. Facilities had nothing left to give except a judgmental look to anyone who requested the smallest item. Rumblings regarding the misappropriation of supplies reached the penthouse. Gone were the salad days. Hello, Corporate Policy.
There’s a new sheriff in town enforcing draconian measures. Corporate Policy wants to ensure that the office supply requested is 1) put to use and 2) applicable to client work. Unfortunately, the application process is so difficult that no one wants to go through it. The laborious request form rivals a passport application. Name, employee id, department number, project code, holy shit I just want a f*cking pen. Facilities now hoards the supplies knowing that few want to deal with the paperwork. This action dramatically increases the demand of limited supplies remaining in the rest of the building. You can’t borrow a pen from anyone. You can’t even ask to borrow a pen.
Once my company lived in a world where employees could nonchalantly arrive at the fifth floor, speak with Facilities, and walk away with supplies for various day-to-day needs. But something happened on the way to heaven. Employees took something beautiful and made it ugly. The booty of office supplies were pillaged. Facilities had nothing left to give except a judgmental look to anyone who requested the smallest item. Rumblings regarding the misappropriation of supplies reached the penthouse. Gone were the salad days. Hello, Corporate Policy.
There’s a new sheriff in town enforcing draconian measures. Corporate Policy wants to ensure that the office supply requested is 1) put to use and 2) applicable to client work. Unfortunately, the application process is so difficult that no one wants to go through it. The laborious request form rivals a passport application. Name, employee id, department number, project code, holy shit I just want a f*cking pen. Facilities now hoards the supplies knowing that few want to deal with the paperwork. This action dramatically increases the demand of limited supplies remaining in the rest of the building. You can’t borrow a pen from anyone. You can’t even ask to borrow a pen.
Co-workers who originally exchanged pleasantries now turn on each other like survivors in a nuclear holocaust battling for the last piece of bread. Except the bread is a green Sharpie Accent highlighter equipped with a chisel tip and patented smear guard. Damn-it, I would kill to have that back!
We’ve turned on each other and there is no end in sight. We steal each other’s supplies with one hand while pointing at corrupt CEOs with the other. There is only one source to refresh the weathered office supplies frequently changing hands. New hires.
Instead of filling out all those cumbersome forms the employees wait for the new hires to do it. “Oh, you need post-its? Just go to the fifth floor. You might want to stack up on everything”. We give the new hire a nice smile to hide the venom in our hearts. The plebe doesn’t know any better.
The new hire is light on their feet with a whistle on their lips. Here’s your form and here’s my supplies! Until they see their violated desk the next day. Welcome to the snake pit.
Next thing you know another new hire is shouting over the cubicle. They need some help on how to set up their answering machine. Sure, we’ll be glad to help. “You should order some supplies to get you started. Just go to the fifth floor. You might want to stack up on everything.”
You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you.
No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you.
We’ve turned on each other and there is no end in sight. We steal each other’s supplies with one hand while pointing at corrupt CEOs with the other. There is only one source to refresh the weathered office supplies frequently changing hands. New hires.
Instead of filling out all those cumbersome forms the employees wait for the new hires to do it. “Oh, you need post-its? Just go to the fifth floor. You might want to stack up on everything”. We give the new hire a nice smile to hide the venom in our hearts. The plebe doesn’t know any better.
The new hire is light on their feet with a whistle on their lips. Here’s your form and here’s my supplies! Until they see their violated desk the next day. Welcome to the snake pit.
Booty Call!
Next thing you know another new hire is shouting over the cubicle. They need some help on how to set up their answering machine. Sure, we’ll be glad to help. “You should order some supplies to get you started. Just go to the fifth floor. You might want to stack up on everything.”
Thursday, January 22, 2009
You Snooze, You Lose, Your Job
BEEP BEEP BEEP
6:30AM
BEEP BEEP BEEP
6:45 AM
BEEP BEEP BEEP
7:00 AM
BEEP BEEP BEEP
7:15 AM
BEEP BEEP BEEP
7:30 AM
BEEP BEEP BEEP
7:45 AM
6:30AM
- Practice presentation one more time
- Regenerate analysis based on latest data transmission, troubleshoot if necessary.
- Lunch with the client.
- Write performance review and meet with manager.
- Have to account for traffic.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
6:45 AM
- Presentation won’t take but five minutes to go through.
- There haven’t been any issues with data transmissions for the past five weeks.
- Lunch with the client.
- Write performance review and meet with manager.
- I’ll take the backroads to work today.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
7:00 AM
- I have that presentation memorized.
- Press a button, the analysis is done. Troubleshooting, puh-leez.
- Does the client really need me for lunch?
- I can write my performance review blindfolded.
- People probably took a 3-day weekend, no traffic.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
7:15 AM
- Do they really need me for the presentation?
- I can send that analysis on Monday.
- Client always wants to eat at Panera. Hate. That. Place.
- My performance review is already written. All in my head.
- I’ll work from home in the morning.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
7:30 AM
- That presentation is a joke. No one gives a shit. It’s Friday.
- I can send last week’s analysis as this week’s analysis, by the time they review it, I’ll say it was a mistake and have this week’s analysis done.
- Panera? F*ck Panera.
- I’ll recite my performance review to my manager.
- As long as I log-in by 9AM.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
7:45 AM
- My wife makes decent money.
- Do both of us really need to work?
- I can stay at home, take care of the kids, clean the house. I’m a good father damn-it.
- How many times can I hit snooze?
Monday, January 19, 2009
Washingtonianidiot
This is a big week for the most powerful city on the planet. People are excitedly waiting for the eyes of the world to descend on the inauguration ceremony. It makes me proud to live in the shadow of Washington, DC. The history, the museums, and the fluctuating murder rate all feel like home to me. Especially when I’m driving on the parkway along that river where the airport is with the monument that looks like a pencil.
O.K., let’s face it, what I don’t know about DC could fill up DC itself.
I am from Northern Virginia, lived here all my life. People ask me where I’m from and I immediately answer, “Outside of DC” because chances are that more people have heard of “Outside of DC” than “Oakton”. Then the conversation naturally spins into politics, museums, or the Mystics. And as quickly as the conversation starts, it ends. The sad reality is that I don’t know squat about the city right next door. All these years and I am rarely tempted to head “downtown”.
The ones who take full advantage of what the city has to offer are not from this area. It’s a transient town based on the politics. The one thing that will not change about DC is how it is guaranteed to change at least every four years. Right now, there are so many people packing up boxes to move here based on the new administration. These are the same people who will be able to school me on DC knowledge inside of the first five months of their stay. It should upset me. I should be humiliated. The sad part is, I’m not.
There’s no reason for a local to visit DC if you don’t work or live there. Yes, the museums rock; Air & Space, Natural Gallery of Art, Spy Museum, etc. But that’s about it. The city is humming 9 to 5 on a weekday. But the weekends? Forget it. It looks like Times Square in “Vanilla Sky”. Hell, the Washington Redskins aren’t even located downtown.
Don’t be angry with me for my ignorance. There are thousands of others just like me who will be comfortably nestled in the suburbs watching the inauguration on TV. Seeing one of the biggest events on the grandest stage on a flat screen.
I need to ride this new wave of hope that is flooding the city and get my ass downtown. If change is going to happen, it has to come from within. I’m looking at the man in the mirror. But for now, I need to get to a non-looted Circuit City store and buy a flat screen.
O.K., let’s face it, what I don’t know about DC could fill up DC itself.
Hey, there's that thing-a-ma-bob I was talking about!
I am from Northern Virginia, lived here all my life. People ask me where I’m from and I immediately answer, “Outside of DC” because chances are that more people have heard of “Outside of DC” than “Oakton”. Then the conversation naturally spins into politics, museums, or the Mystics. And as quickly as the conversation starts, it ends. The sad reality is that I don’t know squat about the city right next door. All these years and I am rarely tempted to head “downtown”.
The ones who take full advantage of what the city has to offer are not from this area. It’s a transient town based on the politics. The one thing that will not change about DC is how it is guaranteed to change at least every four years. Right now, there are so many people packing up boxes to move here based on the new administration. These are the same people who will be able to school me on DC knowledge inside of the first five months of their stay. It should upset me. I should be humiliated. The sad part is, I’m not.
There’s no reason for a local to visit DC if you don’t work or live there. Yes, the museums rock; Air & Space, Natural Gallery of Art, Spy Museum, etc. But that’s about it. The city is humming 9 to 5 on a weekday. But the weekends? Forget it. It looks like Times Square in “Vanilla Sky”. Hell, the Washington Redskins aren’t even located downtown.
Let's party! Hello? I said, let's party!
Don’t be angry with me for my ignorance. There are thousands of others just like me who will be comfortably nestled in the suburbs watching the inauguration on TV. Seeing one of the biggest events on the grandest stage on a flat screen.
I need to ride this new wave of hope that is flooding the city and get my ass downtown. If change is going to happen, it has to come from within. I’m looking at the man in the mirror. But for now, I need to get to a non-looted Circuit City store and buy a flat screen.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Degree of Difficulty
Three letters carry a lot of weight in the consulting industry, “PhD”. Those three letters make the client uncontrollably drool. Outside of a congressional inquiry, it provides the necessary trump card for anyone who dares to question the project's methods:
The MBAs are helpful too. They determine the business flow of the project, the timing of key deliverables, and serve as the consulting voice of the project. Then comes the work and just like Keyser Soze, poof, they’re gone.
After the brainstorming is done and the project plan is laid out, there is the nagging work that is left over. The endless deliverables; spreadsheets, flow diagrams, presentations, survey results, datasets, meeting minutes, on-site training, off-site training, oh my goodness please stop. The lower the degree, the larger the workload. Any guesses where I am categorized in the pecking order?
Work won. Work begin.
Bachelors Degree translates into completing all of the deliverables and receiving none of the credit. And the best of the lot take the initial instructions from those with superior degrees and run with it. The PhD’s and MBA’s become more obsolete as the project exits the incubation stage and hatches more work products than Evander Holyfield can impregnate women. They are only re-integrated at the end of the project when all the findings have been compiled, all the answers provided, and all the subordinate talent tapped out of any ambitious urges to replace them.
And who can blame them. What a great gig. I plan on reviewing some PhD online programs. But first, I have to get this deliverable out.
- Don’t like our approach? Well, the girl who designed our statistical sample has a PhD!
- You want to question our findings? Well, the guy who completed the quality assurance has a PhD!
- You’re cheating on me? Well, I’m banging a PhD!
O.K., I don't know where the patella is.
But I can answer questions on my abstract involving the randomness of bees.
The MBAs are helpful too. They determine the business flow of the project, the timing of key deliverables, and serve as the consulting voice of the project. Then comes the work and just like Keyser Soze, poof, they’re gone.
After this MBA wins the work, my guess is that you'll never hear from him again.
After the brainstorming is done and the project plan is laid out, there is the nagging work that is left over. The endless deliverables; spreadsheets, flow diagrams, presentations, survey results, datasets, meeting minutes, on-site training, off-site training, oh my goodness please stop. The lower the degree, the larger the workload. Any guesses where I am categorized in the pecking order?
Work won. Work begin.
Bachelors Degree translates into completing all of the deliverables and receiving none of the credit. And the best of the lot take the initial instructions from those with superior degrees and run with it. The PhD’s and MBA’s become more obsolete as the project exits the incubation stage and hatches more work products than Evander Holyfield can impregnate women. They are only re-integrated at the end of the project when all the findings have been compiled, all the answers provided, and all the subordinate talent tapped out of any ambitious urges to replace them.
And who can blame them. What a great gig. I plan on reviewing some PhD online programs. But first, I have to get this deliverable out.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
C.E.Oh No
Each year our company brings in children from a local under-privileged elementary school to shadow executives for the day. The children represent various groups of minorities within the overall population. The executives they shadow represent white males. These are the same suits that re-aligned their school district all in the effort to keep their daughters away from these kids.
The kids tour the building while listening to the grey-haired men spin tales of adversity from having to choose between Stanford and Harvard. The children smile back knowing these elitist clowns would be shiv'd inside of 5 minutes on their playground. The executives feel good about themselves. This is their chance to give back. Plus it alleviates the guilt from this morning’s layoff, which coincidentally, increased their salary.
One lucky kid hits the jackpot and shadows the Big Cheese. He or she is known as “CEO For The Day”. Unfortunately, it’s just a powerless title on paper. The kid is used as a token at a press conference so the company will get its volunteer kudos from a local newspaper. They might be taken for a tour of the office, the board room, and other places where only the elite gain access. And that’s too bad. It’d be nice for the person to wield real power.
In a perfect world, the “CEO for the Day” and General Counsel would draft a Power of Attorney document fully authorizing all decisions to the 24 hour CEO. All of these rules would impact the high-level executives, while the 24 hour CEO watches the madness of his rules ensue. Just in case this ever happens and my son is chosen, I’ve drafted some items for consideration:
- Dunk Tank. A dunk tank for the CEO (i.e., the real one), CFO, CPO, CTO, and COO. The tank is located near the “Open Bar For The Day”. One key feature of the tank is that it has no water. It is a ten foot drop onto a cement floor.
- Shock Collar. Pre-programmed shock collar for any executive using the buzzwords, “Robust”, “Streamline”, “Cross-Pollinate”, or “Synergy”.
- ATM Bailout. CEO is required to supply the PIN number to his ATM card. Five employees are chosen at random and empty the CEO’s bank account to be bailed out for food, clothing, and shelter.
- Stock Price. Full disclosure required on the plummeting stock price. Explanation must elaborate outside the excuse of “market conditions”. Voltage on shock collar is tripled if any buzzwords are used.
- Corporate Jet. Full access to the corporate jet for the janitorial staff. Beer, cigarettes, and full Mexican buffet supplied during round trip flight to Cancun. Bonuses for janitors correlate to amount of litter, stench, and bodily excrement left in the cabin. CEO’s wife responsible for cleanup.
- Diapers. All executives required to wear diapers and scream, “I doodied my diapers” after taking a bite of food. They are only allowed to consume Gerber's baby food over the course of the day.
Before
After
Success is when preparation and opportunity meet. My building plans for the dunk tank are complete and I've stocked up on Gerbers and diapers. Now I’ll patiently wait for the opportunity to present itself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)