C.E.Oh No

Each year our company brings in children from a local under-privileged elementary school to shadow executives for the day. The children represent various groups of minorities within the overall population. The executives they shadow represent white males. These are the same suits that re-aligned their school district all in the effort to keep their daughters away from these kids.

The kids tour the building while listening to the grey-haired men spin tales of adversity from having to choose between Stanford and Harvard. The children smile back knowing these elitist clowns would be shiv'd inside of 5 minutes on their playground. The executives feel good about themselves. This is their chance to give back. Plus it alleviates the guilt from this morning’s layoff, which coincidentally, increased their salary.

One lucky kid hits the jackpot and shadows the Big Cheese. He or she is known as “CEO For The Day”. Unfortunately, it’s just a powerless title on paper. The kid is used as a token at a press conference so the company will get its volunteer kudos from a local newspaper. They might be taken for a tour of the office, the board room, and other places where only the elite gain access. And that’s too bad. It’d be nice for the person to wield real power.

In a perfect world, the “CEO for the Day” and General Counsel would draft a Power of Attorney document fully authorizing all decisions to the 24 hour CEO. All of these rules would impact the high-level executives, while the 24 hour CEO watches the madness of his rules ensue. Just in case this ever happens and my son is chosen, I’ve drafted some items for consideration:

• Dunk Tank. A dunk tank for the CEO (i.e., the real one), CFO, CPO, CTO, and COO. The tank is located near the “Open Bar For The Day”. One key feature of the tank is that it has no water. It is a ten foot drop onto a cement floor.
• Shock Collar. Pre-programmed shock collar for any executive using the buzzwords, “Robust”, “Streamline”, “Cross-Pollinate”, or “Synergy”.
• ATM Bailout. CEO is required to supply the PIN number to his ATM card. Five employees are chosen at random and empty the CEO’s bank account to be bailed out for food, clothing, and shelter.
• Stock Price. Full disclosure required on the plummeting stock price. Explanation must elaborate outside the excuse of “market conditions”. Voltage on shock collar is tripled if any buzzwords are used.
• Corporate Jet. Full access to the corporate jet for the janitorial staff. Beer, cigarettes, and full Mexican buffet supplied during round trip flight to Cancun. Bonuses for janitors correlate to amount of litter, stench, and bodily excrement left in the cabin. CEO’s wife responsible for cleanup.
• Diapers. All executives required to wear diapers and scream, “I doodied my diapers” after taking a bite of food. They are only allowed to consume Gerber's baby food over the course of the day.
  

Before

After

Success is when preparation and opportunity meet. My building plans for the dunk tank are complete and I've stocked up on Gerbers and diapers. Now I’ll patiently wait for the opportunity to present itself.