Plight of the Off-Site

Our project team had a meeting at another contractor’s site this week. Attendees and total headcount were requested. The hosting contractor wanted to make sure there was a correct count based on concerns of available office space. This contractor (from here forward referred to as “Minimalist Consulting”) made all the necessary accommodations for the meeting. We were specifically told in advance that food would be provided. For Minimalist Consulting, sustenance is not a necessity for others. When lunch hit, our project team was in for a surprise.

And remember, let's grab some grub out there.

We arrived, signed in, exchanged pleasantries and received guest badges. The group sat for the next three hours and collectively pushed through the agenda items. A moderator from Minimalist Consulting indicated it was time to break for lunch. Sweet! We would reconvene in 20 minutes. The order of communication from the moderator was 1) location of water cooler, 2) location of restrooms and 3) lunch “will be” available in the pantry. Cool, I’ll hit the head, grab some fresh air outside and come back for grub. Many of my co-workers did the same. The Minimalist Consulting employees took a different approach and scurried into the pantry. Curious behavior that became clear when I returned 10 minutes later.

I know I'm lying just hear me out!

The head count was correct for tables, chairs and handout materials. For food, the head count was calculated for a party of one infant and then divided by eight. I walked into the pantry to see six of my co-workers holding empty plates and forks. My eyes moved to the small carnage of pizza boxes--empty. Then scanned over to the salad bowls--empty. Finally, my sight settled to the meeting room where Minimalist Consulting employees were eating like snarf-o-matic hog-a-trons. To add salt to the wound (yum, salt!), the pizza boxes were medium. That is when I pieced together the order of communication and how the two groups split. This was pre-meditated.

All here were summoned to discuss the events at lunch.

The outsiders were directed to the water cooler, then the restrooms, and THEN lunch. The natural reaction is to follow the orders. The directions were in fact a misdirection, a red herring. Those with insider information headed directly to the pantry to pillage the food that was readily available.

There were a total of 15 people at the meeting. Two medium pizzas for 15 people? It might work if we were competing for the grand prize in a Kate Moss body image contest. For this crowd, two medium pizzas don’t even qualify as an appetizer. The have-nots are looking at me for direction. Every single face is the equivalent of a “What the Fuck?” emoji. I’m good at handling adversity but I’m not Jesus. There will be no miracle of the five pizzas and two salads. But I will make a point.

BY THE POWER OF...wait a minute, I don't do pizza.

I grab my plate and fork, head over to the salad bowl and pull out the remaining croutons. Three croutons to be exact. I take them out one by one with a pair of plastic tongs and place them on my paper plate. I pick up the last bag of dressing and squeeze it over the crumbs. The paper plate dwarfs the serving size. A baby mouse would consider it a tapas. I place myself directly across an employee of Minimalist Consulting who is rifling through his third slice of pepperoni. I cut every crouton in half and eat with care. As if each morsel were lobster stuffed with crab meat. The employee doesn’t even flinch at my antics. Impressive poker face. A full stomach can suppress any emotion.

The second half of the meeting starts. The moderator makes no reference to the seven of us who did not eat. We delve right back into the agenda as if nothing happened. The meeting closes with next steps. One of the next steps is to reconvene in two months. I make the suggestion that we should return the favor and host at our office next time. Meeting logistics fall below my pay grade but in this case I would like to help admin determine how we can reciprocate their hospitality. Especially when it comes to the menu.

Please, have a bite. It'll fill you right up.