Kiss-Ass Assassin

I have a rule: don’t kiss ass. Self-respecting individuals who are worth a damn in the business world are confident enough to know they don’t need it. And if you find yourself around people who do need their asses kissed, distance yourself. These people are not worth being around no matter how accomplished, wealthy, or recognized. In regards to this rule, the one thing I was not prepared for was someone kissing my own ass.

These fucking compliments are wearing me out.

The reality of my career is I am barely middle-management. No complaints, this is fine. The middle is often underrated. On one end of the spectrum, I do not fulfill work orders designed for production at lower levels. On the other end, I am not belittled by C-level executives while sitting across a sea of mahogany in fantastic lighting. My skill-sets fill the in-between. I convert high-level strategy to work processes, all of it based on orders from a much higher level and pay-grade. If someone is kissing my ass, their priorities are misaligned and their self-esteem is lower than whale shit.

Don't worry, I already took a dump in the ocean.

It started with gentle reminders about the workload. It was redundant but innocuous. That's fine, remind me what you are working on even though I already know what it is. It transitioned to suggestions for improvement on a process I created that was commented to be "superb." It escalated to unnecessary compliments on how well I was able to complete tasks that are, to be frank, mundane. Saccharine soaked compliments that would make Trump blush. Most people would take time to enjoy it. I'm too busy putting myself down to know what to do with a compliment. Self-deprecating humor is a bitch.

Corporate Joe, let me know when you want self-help advice.

My first attempt was to eschew the compliments. A simple ignore on my part in hopes to discourage the behavior. The compliments continued. My second attempt was to let the individual know there is a disconnect between their assessment of me and my actual achievements. Neither worked. Time to step it up a notch.

I am going to make this kiss-ass pay. For each compliment, another work item is assigned to their inbox. If this doesn't shut them up then I am sitting on a lottery ticket. A work masochist who is impervious to laptop late nights and early morning meetings. Together, we can rule the workplace. Cue the evil laugh and wringing of the hands.


Whatever you say boss.