CONFERENCE CALL!

Using the phone seems pretty easy. An enduser picks it up if it is ringing, says hello and converses with person(s) on the other end of the line, then hangs up. Or pulls up their pants and then hangs up, whichever they prefer. Unfortunately, there is a minority of workers in my office building (who tend to be at a higher pay grade) that use speakerphone for all circumstances. These are the same individuals idiotic enough to associate it with a sense of power.

I understand there is a certain time and place for a speakerphone (e.g., multi-tasking while listening, being an actual presenter on the call, posting a resume on Monster.com). However, there are more common and less legitimate reasons that I witness when a speakerphone is in use (e.g., kicking feet up onto a desk and clasping both hands behind head, flicking pencils into a cup, masturbating).

I'm not sure I understand the difficulty in putting the phone to your ear and keeping the business conversation private. I certainly don't need to learn someone else's acronyms, deadlines, and priorities. And why do people feel it's necessary to speak at a volume used only in mosh pits. Nothing captures this scenario better than what I actually experienced today. A fellow co-worker with an office decided to leave the door open for the beginning of the conference call. Multiple beeps in quick succession, each beep representing a person joining the conference call.

"Is everybody on? (beep) Sounds like someone else joined. (beep) That everyone?(pause) (beep) Anyone else? (pause) (beep, beep). OK, my office door is still open (beep). Sounds like we got one more."

The door shuts but somehow the volume level increases to compensate for the closure.

"OK, LET'S GET STARTED!"

Now there's an echo because the person in the office next door has logged into the same conference call and also has decided to use a speakerphone. I can understand the reluctance to sit together on the same call. The office is an excruciating two yards away and there's also that cumbersome HP LaserJet 8100 to walk around, that adds about another yard to the excursion.

"THAT'S A GOOD POINT point point."

Oh goodness, now the person's voice is echoing through both doors and reverberating in my cubicle. Acoustically, I feel like Moses listening to God on Mt. Sinai except this God says "robust" alot and uses more acronyms than a Pentagon employee.

"ANY QUESTIONS questions questions?"

Mental note to self, find out their conference call number, dial-in, and wreak havoc on their next meeting. Ideas such as:

• Call from an animal shelter.

"RUFF RUFF, meow, RUFF!"

"Can you please mute your phone."

"RUFF meow RUFF!"

"Please, will everyone mute their phones."

"RUFF meow RUFF RUFF HEE-HAWW!"

• Consistently dial in and hang-up so listeners are bombarded with beeping noises

"Did someone just log on?"

"Did someone just log off?"

"Did someone just log on?"

• Have a choking episode

"Who is that?"

"Oh dear God!"

"Could you please mute your phone."

• Implement a laugh track every time the word "robust" is used.

I wouldn't resort to such impish measures if co-workers had the common courtesy to use their receiver the way it was engineered. Now if you'll excuse me, my phone is ringing, and I need to physically pick it up and place it against my ear.