The Fax of Life

I fulfilled my quarterly quota of fax machine usage today. After wiping the blood from my ears from hearing the analog transmission go through I was confused as to how fax machines still exist. They were a common office item starting in the mid-1980’s and have elevated to a spot on the corporate business card. However, the fax machine should be obsolete since email eclipses all of its purposes. Despite this incontrovertible evidence, these machines won’t die and still have a strong enough following to exist, just like Cher.

Today is a perfect example of why I had to reluctantly use the facsimile. The business mind of my client is about as dated as the fax machine itself. The client does not like to use "track changes" in Microsoft Word because they are "too unclear". However, they do like to proofread and edit Word documents using a printout and then send a fax of that edited document. Our toner has diarrhea which places vertical skidmarks down each faxed page. It's like trying to read hieroglyphics off of a tractor trailer's mudflaps. To me, this defines "too unclear".

I tried deciphering the pages character by character using my original document as the map and decoder. Unfortunately, my efforts failed and I had to inevitably call the client who instructed me to "look into" the poor resolution my fax machine emits. Sure, I'll write that down next to my other priority labeled, "drive nails in feet". At the very least, they could jump into the mid-1990's and scan the document into a pdf file then send it via email.

This brings me to my ultimatum. Next time, I'm not budging, no more faxes. I will force the client to adopt more recent technology. If they insist on sending it via fax, then the fax machine will either be broke because it works and I'm lying about it or because I accidentally spilled my Double Big Gulp on it. I refuse to use that outdated piece of plastic that takes up more real estate than Rosie O'Donnell's lunchbox only to create a barely legible image that transmits one page every five minutes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a purchase to make at 7-11.