My Paternity Leave is Petarded

I called my HR representative to inquire about our paternity leave policy since my wife is expecting in late September. Fortunately, my current employer does have a paternity leave policy which is spelled V.A.C.A.T.I.O.N.

When my first child was born I was with a different employer and they granted me two weeks of paternity leave. I was able to successfully fulfill my rookie fatherly duties which consisted of cleaning up puke, changing diapers at the pace of a Flint Michigan auto worker, and walking around like an extra in Dawn of the Dead.

In a minute honey, just resting my eyes.

Little did I know I was actually spoiled by my previous employer. The use of my current vacation is important to note since its accrual has the shelf life of Kajagoogoo. Once I have a full eight hours saved, the muscle memory in my hand grabs my mouse and begins searching three-day weekend destinations on Orbitz.

Of course I was upset at the response from the HR rep. It's hard to live without something once you've had it, kinda' like heroin. My initial reaction was to reprimand her for the poor policy. I'm supposed to use my vacation to take care of my newborn. Then I thought to myself, that actually sounds reasonable. So instead I yelled at her for not properly addressing me as "Magnum", then I hung up. That's right, trump card.

So my curiousity actually served as a catalyst to do research. I originally thought the Family Medical Leave Act involved taking the whole clan to the hospital and pretending to be ill. Turns out I was close, it was a high profile bill signed by President Clinton in 1993. Based on Wikipedia's description:

The law recognizes the growing needs of balancing family and work obligations and promises numerous protections to workers. The leave guaranteed by the act is unpaid....blahbitty blah blah blah.

Ugh, the word "unpaid" in the first paragraph like a slap in the face. So this leaves me with three options 1) Use up every ounce of my vacation for paternity leave or 2) leave without pay or 3) quit my job, get paid out for my remaining vacation and head to Vegas for all or nothing on 13 black.

I'll need to sleep on this one.