Buying Borrowed Time

In the world of business and with the prophetic voice of Janet Jackson, "What have you done for me lately?" rings true. A body of work is remembered after the smoke has cleared from a career. But when the same career is active and in motion, the last thing accomplished is the first item in leadership's mind. If the last accomplishment grows more distant in the rear view mirror, the "do you have a minute?" talk closely follows. Lucky for me, my latest accomplishment bought me some borrowed time.

Excuse me, sir. When is my clock up?

My co-workers and I incubated a demo release for days. Okay, weeks. Okay, months. It has been incubating for so long I thought it would hatch on its own with ill regard for us. Leadership grew weary of our internal meetings. They needed external results. Something to hang their own hats on. Finally the product was ready, the waiting was over, the expectations were high, and the room for error was minimal. Pressure cooker. Deliver the product or receive a pink slip.

Sit back, relax your crack. I got this.

The demo went well. It went great. It went spectacular. If interested in the details, please send me an email request directly. I recommend reading through these details if you suffer from insomnia. By the second paragraph, the delta waves will flow in stage 3 NREM. Point is, the success of the demo bought me and my co-workers time. Our latest accomplishment is on the horizon. It will be a few days before it even transitions to the rear view mirror. I am living on borrowed time and loving the view.

You will read the first few lines--then POOF! Out like a light.

Hitting one out of the park is a nice feeling. A temporary comfort zone. The hard work, the late nights. All in an effort to identify and connect with the sweet spot. An effortless swing as the deliverable ascends beyond expectations and into the fanatic clutch of the client. I tell myself to enjoy the present. Remember this time. Take a deep breath. The ascension leads to the opposite. What goes up must come down. The euphoria gone and replaced by the anticipated deliverables pounding on the front door with a due date.

While leadership rides the wake of my recent efforts, I am taking off early on Friday. What have I done for them lately? A lot. Once the lollipops and rainbows wear off I will head into work early on Monday to avoid any "do you have a minute?" talks. Tomorrow, all I have is time. Monday, I don't have a minute. I don't even have a second. I am busy working on making someone else look good three months from now.

Conference Room Forecast: Cold with a Chance of Hot

Temperatures begin in a deep freeze. It is cold enough to trigger hypothermia in a thick blooded Eskimo. Without notice, degrees will skyrocket to the point of dehydrating a camel. Welcome to the most uninhabitable area on earth, welcome to our conference room.


Could I trouble you for a cup of hot cocoa from the pantry?

The extreme variation in temperature involves two variables. In nature, these variables would be meteorologically based and somewhat intuitive to the novice weatherman. An advancing mass of cold air in a low pressure system or an advancing mass of warm air in a high pressure system. In our conference room, the variables in constant battle are an Epson projector and an air conditioning unit. Cold as shit with a 100% chance of hot.


Heading in now for the 3 o'clock status meeting.

The projector is a must have. It is fixed to the ceiling and has been used for countless presentations. The hookup is easy and the picture is clear. What is unique about our projector is that it projects not only images, but also the heat of a thousand suns. In a bind, the Epson aka "Bernie" could double as a heating unit for a small townhouse. The ceiling location maximizes available countertop space. It also keeps clients from receiving third degree burns and unwanted visits to the emergency room. Due to the relentless heat, the commercial real estate manager received numerous complaints about life on Mercury. She responded with building engineers to fix the problem. The answer: a portable air conditioning unit.

Much thought was given to the AC hookup. The engineers vigorously reviewed the building blueprint and entertained all options. They promptly threw out all the options, gutted a corner ceiling tile, and connected the portable unit to flexible aluminum ducting that is force fed to the ceiling. This shiny, NASA-esque product now juts out like a spacesuit for a giant penis. No matter where you sit, it is always within peripheral vision. Rocking to the beat of the air flowing through it. Inconspicuous.

Okay, so the portable unit is somewhat noticeable. But it does the job well. In fact, too well. I am convinced the duct feeds directly to Yakutsk, Russia. Air is pumping out hard, check. Air is cold, check. Temperature more appropriate for an Arctic Musk Ox, check. This is where it gets interesting. Not only are there two weather patterns in a room the size of a suburban kitchen, there is also the noise.

I'm sorry, can you repeat that? There is some background noise.

The projector makes a high-pitched tinny sound. If our company ever introduced a "bring your dog to work day", all the canines would howl their way out of the conference room and directly into their respective owners' car. The AC unit is the opposite. A low, consistent, guttural sound, Robert Mitchum serenading on a megaphone. Battling both weather and sound while giving a presentation is a challenge. A presenter can even the odds by moving throughout the room and commanding the floor. Too hot, move towards the door. Too cold, move towards the back of the room. All the while, adjusting the volume of one's voice to the appropriate level for attendees depending on positioning in the room. For the attendees, it is more difficult when stationary.

Stay cool Corporate Joe. I know you can hear me.

Choosing a place at the table is important. The worst seat in the house is smack dab in the middle. Counter-intuitive. In the middle is where a person would want to sit. Best of both worlds. Blasting the AC with the top down on a hot, sunny day. Nice image. Except in this case, it is the extreme of both worlds. Smelling burning flesh on one side of the body while battling frost bite on the other. But hell, I was late to the meeting. I deserve this seat. Then it hits me, this can be the same location for the exit interviews next week. A great way to accelerate a painful process. There is always a silver lining. Even in this uninhabitable place.

Truth Serum Font

It has to be frustrating to be a leader. To motivate and inspire employees who, at most times, are frustrated and uninspired themselves. Waiting to go home. Waiting for a paycheck. Waiting to die. Reading a satirical blog with limited hits. I always wondered what the inner-monologue would sound like between constructing a memo in an executive’s mind and actually typing it as an email. Forfeiting harsh criticism in favor of a diplomatic manner takes a daunting amount of self restraint. There is a chasm as wide as the Grand Canyon between what the top of the food chain wants to write and how it should be written. How would it read if the gap could be closed with executive level truth serum font? Well, let's take a look.

I love writing a good letter to my bank employees.

To Whom It Doesn’t Matter,
We constantly engage with our workforce for new ideas. This includes you. It is only through the thousands of unsolicited emails, hundreds of times being accosted in the hallways and one-on-one exit interviews across this great country that we have been able to realize how much you incessantly complain. I wanted to use this opportunity to share the collective feedback received from our bitch and moan portal (i.e., my inbox.)

You gave us spirited responses in high numbers with great insight. Thank you! This will help us learn who we should get rid of. The items below were the most prominent suggestions. We prioritized this feedback and wanted to share it with you along with our thoughts.

• An on-site gym at our corporate headquarters - We heard from you loud and clear on this one. I think Mike D. stated it best when he whines, “I need a shot of creativity at lunchtime and a corporate gym could be a great place to reenergize my body and brain cells for the afternoon grind.” That’s a great idea, Mike! Let’s magically find a non-existent 2,000 square foot space in our building so you and all the other entitled millennials can get the creative juices flowing. Maybe we can also hire personal on-site chefs to feed you on the elliptical. You know what else reenergizes? 5-hour energy. It’s less than three dollars a pop. Swig that down after your spinach salad with flax seed and shut the fuck up. You work in the Accounting Department, Mike. You need creativity as much as a musician needs to know the meaning of EBITA. Instead of working out, let’s just focus on getting actual work done at this point. Based on the last performance review, you are lucky to even have a job.

This gym is going to be awesome.

• Bring casual Fridays back! - Another great piece of feedback which has nothing to do with profitability, competing in the market space, or identifying our core customer base. Paula R. bitched about it best, “Casual Fridays are a freebie and a great recruiting tool for new hires.” Could not agree more. It is a great recruiting tool if you want to single out people who have an affinity for denim and bad fashion. Last time I remember, Casual Fridays slowly crept into other days of the week. Hoochie-Mama Thursdays. Don’t give a shit Tuesdays. Fuck-it Mondays. Provide the workforce an inch and they take a mile. If I hear this request one more time I am enforcing Winged Tip Wednesdays and Double Starched Fridays. Have your Mommy adjust your Double Windsor knot in the morning and get to work.

Is it Thursday yet?

• Implement a Project Management Database – Something work related, a Christmas miracle. Thank you Dave H. for being the only one to introduce a relevant business item. He writes, “I have been diligently constructing a management database to capture costs of each geo-coded project, the purpose of the project, number of employees involved, and market area. This will help identify gaps and overlaps in each sector of our business as well as tap into future opportunities.” Wow, impressive. Funny thing though, I don’t remember asking for this--you know why? Because it is already being implemented. Tag that as an “overlap” in your stupid, obsolete database. Here’s an idea for when you have an idea, share it with others first. Now you have wasted time on the company dime. Good news is you get out early today to pick up your kids from school. Bad news is, you’re fired.

I cleaned out my desk like you asked. What did you want to see me about?

I hope you found this open dialogue helpful. It is always nice to cut through the red tape and hear what is on your mind. I like waking up at 4:30AM to get this shit out of the way so I can begin my real job of keeping the lights on in this place.

One Week, Six Pages

I have been wrangled into the middle of the storm. We have one week and six pages. The challenge: write a proposal section pregnant with promise that is confined to limited real estate. All while senior personnel use their competing voices and priorities to dictate inclusion and exclusion criteria. It's an official shit show. After this stint, I am adding, "wordsmithing peacemaker" to my resume.

Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt the...
Oh fuck it, I always sucked at proposals.

It started with an outline [It always starts with an outline.] Find the story before telling it. Define the flow and narrative. So many opinions, so little time. Punch them in the mouth with their key challenge on the opener, it will help them to understand we know their problem. Start out with our experience, it will help them know we can do the job. Begin with the "how", it will help them realize we have a process to solve their issue. No one is on the same page. At this point, no one is even in the same library and I have yet to write a single word.

You and me? Yeah, we're writing this together.
Whether you like it or not.

I would have written less but I did not have enough time. God bless you Mark Twain, now I understand. With brute force mentality, I power through the first draft and fasten my seatbelt for the next meeting. Without surprise, the latest version is torn from limb-to-limb by the angry mob of editors. "Weak intro", "It doesn't speak to the statement of work", "Too long", "I hate you."

There's the author. Get him!

We play 52 pickup with the table of contents. Another outline, another write-up. It might be saved as "V.2" but when considering everyone's input, "V.26" is more apropos. A frenzied email string reveals all the current holes. Everyone implores that a meeting is vital to the success of this piece. A meeting is scheduled with numerous personnel from multiple skill sets for balanced input. One person shows up. One person gives feedback. With this one voice I find the next rewrite much easier to tackle. Except everyone who was unable to attend the meeting now has a delayed opinion.

Entertaining drastic edits while in the actual process of writing is impossible. It's like participating in an episode of Jeopardy! with an air horn blasting in your ear. That is it, going offline. My whereabouts moved from "Do Not Disturb" to "Try and Find Me". Off the grid of connectivity. Alone with my thoughts. Churn and burn those thoughts into words.

Has anyone seen Corporate Joe?

Next draft, next meeting. The imminent deadline staring back at us. Hints of consensus. A narrative is beginning to take shape. Still pushing. A few sticky points for inclusion. Almost there. Rewrite. Review. Rewrite. Review. Done! Except it is nine pages. Three pages over the limit. Time to be a heartless surgeon.

The editing room floor is riddled with half-baked ideas and run-on sentences. Too detailed, gone. Too broad of a stroke, see-ya. Great sentence with no substance, bye-bye. I am drunk with power. The tables have turned. This indentured servant now owns the estate. Each stroke of my red pen more empowering. Who are we kidding with Figure 1.2.5-7a.i!?! My kid draws better process flows with his Crayolas. Table 3, puh-leaze. That 7 point Arial font makes it look like a nest of indecipherable ink. Here is some advice, have a point.

This shit has got to go.

Final review. The smoke has cleared and the crying has stopped. The group accepts my aggressive, inevitable, and necessary edits. Then we hear back from the solicitor. They would like us to explore this section more and we can expand. I have to hand back the keys to the castle. Hero to Zero. It was fun to be in charge for a bit. Now I have to shut-up and listen all over again.

Open Office, Closed Mind

The open office space concept has kicked it with the crossover. The design has transcended its Silicon Valley roots and reached into more traditional institutions. The latest adopter[victim] is Citigroup. In its new Manhattan office, not even the CEO will have a door. The supposed benefits are touted as work related. The sentinel effect: a boss can keep his eyes on the workforce. Productivity and favorable outcomes increase when one is being watched. Busy-ness: a bustling workplace that makes each employee feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. Increased collaboration among co-workers. Egalitarianism: a removed hierarchy that flattens out any org chart. We are all in charge. Oh, and money. Saving money to be specific. Loads of it.

Trust me kid, Bluestar is going to love this new floor plan.

Companies are saving coin, some in the millions, with unassigned and open seating arrangements. If everything is equal, fighting for an office is no longer an option. No need to configure space when a grid will do. Same design, limited materials, and a uniform layout for everyone. Companies can adapt to explosive growth without having to pay significant expansion costs related to rent and utility bills. Packing in the masses trumps breathing room. If future quarters look promising, rent out another floor and create another grid. Most employees do not like the open office and the amount of reasons why are astounding. I live with it when I visit the office. Based on experience, open floor plans should be as dead as the Dodo bird.

Love the layout. When can we build the real thing?

The supposed benefits are greatly out-of-sync with the reality. For the sentinel effect, I cannot work when I am being watched. I am an introvert by nature. The big brother setup induces anxiety, not productivity. When I arrive, when I leave, how many Flaming Moe's I drank. All are being monitored. Solution: when the boss might be looking, look busy. There are several techniques I recommend with optimal results. While reading through a random deliverable, bite the end of a pencil and then tap it on the egalitarian table top. Open an excel spreadsheet with numerous macros and formulas that perform calculations in endless loops. Swivel your head from hard copy deliverable to the screen of macros. Bite and tap the pencil at well-timed intervals. Nothing is getting done and something is happening at the same time. The environment creates a setup to look busy rather than to be busy. Productivity appearance up, productivity numbers down.

Drop off the guns, pick up my brother at the hospital,
stir the sauce, don't call from the house, get arrested by the Feds.

Get together! Shoot some ideas around! The workplace is buzzing with activities! None of these are true--at all. When privacy is physically taken away, personal walls can be created through other means. A forced community feel is battled with Beats, Bose, Skull Candy and shooting range earmuffs. There is a staggering reduction in eye contact. Phone conversations are now conducted through hushed toned headsets. All of these are non-verbal cues indicating people will fight for every ounce of their privacy in a public space. The only buzz generated is from the fluorescent lighting. The outcome is counter-intuitive. Human interaction replaced by silence. The noise level of our office rivals that of a sign language convention.

Please, whatever you do, don't talk to me.

I work. My company pays me well. If the open concept saves the company money, I'm down with it. My problem is hiding the motive of savings under the guise of a company's emotional well-being. Please do not spread shit on my sandwich and tell me it is apple butter. I know what you are selling. Tell me the truth. I will respect you even if I disagree.

Corporate Joe in open space land? No thanks--"cubicle land" is better. Both in title and in practice.